I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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