I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
