I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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