I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
