Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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