Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize