So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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