I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
