Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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