I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
