is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize