cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize