I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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