addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
