those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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