on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
