Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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