Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
