I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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