i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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