So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
