My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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