I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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