One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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