Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Even my vagina gasped.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
