peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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