I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
