I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
