this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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