Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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