I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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