I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
