I want to make a zoo with you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
