Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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