I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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