I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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