sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
