If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
