You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
