Duck Duck Cougar?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
