Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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