i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
