apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
