I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize