I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
