I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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