Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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