How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
