1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
