I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
