I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
