Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
