Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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