I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize