cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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