Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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