I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
3pm strippers are depressing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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