so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize