God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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