do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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