I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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