it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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