I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
