I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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