I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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