i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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