Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
