Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Randomize
