I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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